February 18, 2008

Gorillas split on teaching of evolution in Florida

CAMEROON--The Cross River Antievolution Primate (CRAP) organization announced today that it was splitting from the Western Lowland Coalition Mediating Evolution (WeLCoME) in the controversial topic of science standards in Florida. While it is not clear why western gorillas are arguing about the curriculum standards of a geopolitical entity thousands of miles away, they are clearly invested in the topic.

"We want nothing to do with Florida if they teach evolution," said the silverback representative of CRAP. "Gorillas have never had problems with hanging chads, hurricanes, horrid designer tastes, harangued sharks, or harried nursing homes. Frankly, we'd like that link to remain missing for as long as possible."

WeLCoME's leaders, a group of blackbacks who have risen suddenly in the leadership of the Western Lowland gorillas, immediately issued a press release condemning the CRAP decision. "We suspect the Cross River gorillas are just hoping to become economically competitive," said one in conversation with a reporter. "Certainly, they must know that we're all primates and have common origins a few million years back."

He added, "We haven't had any feelers from high-tech industries, but maybe they're hoping to parlay our very low wages into some development. If they can suggest that Cross River gorillas are better educated than Florida's high school graduates, maybe they're hoping to get a factory or two."

Biologists have pointed to the commonalities between gorillas and humans for a long time, but evidently the Cross River group wants to disassociate themselves from Florida humans, at the very least. As documented by naturalists, gorillas in Nouabale-Ndoki National Park in the Republic of Congo have been known to use tools, such as a stick to gauge water depth, a tree stump as a bridge, and a rock to turn off the television during President Bush's last State of the Union address in January.

Update: Someone just suggested to me that the title of this entry should have been Gorillas in the MST3K. Hmmn...

Listen to this article
Posted in Education policy on February 18, 2008 12:08 AM |